Friday, September 26, 2008
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother.
The first said, "I built a big house for our Mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."
"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isn't what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"
"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"
Saturday, August 9, 2008
Question: If a blonde and a brunette fell off a building, who would hit the ground first?
Answer: The brunette - the blonde would have to stop for directions!
The assistant asked the blonde if she would like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve.
"Six please" she said, "I could never eat twelve!"
A blonde was walking down the road with a healthy looking pig under her arm. As she passed the bus stop, someone asked,
"Where did you get that?"The pig replied,
"I won her in a raffle!"
A person went into the office kitchen one morning and found a new blonde girl painting the walls. She was wearing a new fur coat and a nice denim jacket.
Thinking this was a little strange, he asked her why she was wearing them rather than old clothes or an overall.
She showed him the instructions on the tin,
"For best results, put on two coats".
Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their car with a coat hanger.
"I can't seem to get this door unlocked!Second Blonde:
Well you better hurry up. It's starting to rain and the top is down!
Three blondes were walking through a field when they came across a set of tracks.
The first blonde looked down at the tracks and said,
"I think they could be bird tracks."
The second blonde went to look and said,
"No, I think these are deer tracks."
They stepped aside and the third blonde went over to the tracks. She looked down, then got run over by the train!
A blonde asked someone what time it was, and they told her it was 4:45. The blonde, with a puzzled look on her face replied,
"You know, it's the weirdest thing, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer."
A blonde was driving down the road listening to the radio and was quite upset when she heard blonde joke after blonde joke. A little way down the road, she saw another blonde out in a field rowing a boat. The blonde stopped her car and angrily jumped out yelling,
"You dumb blonde bimbo! It's blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name! If I could swim I'd come out there and give you what's coming to you!"
A blonde and a redhead went to the bar after work for a drink, and sat on stools watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge, and the blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump.
Sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead $50. The redhead said,
"I can't take this, you're my friend."But the blonde insisted saying,
"No. A bet's a bet."
Then the redhead said
"Listen, I have to tell you that I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money."
The blonde replied
"Well, so did I, but I didn't think he would jump again!"
A dumb blonde was really tired of being made fun of, so she decided to have her hair she would look like a brunette.
When she had brown hair, she decided to take a drive in the country.
After she had been driving for a while, she saw a farmer and a flock of sheep and thought,
"Oh! Those sheep are so adorable!"She got out and walked over to the farmer and said,
"If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one home?"The farmer, being a bit of a gambler himself, said she could have a try.
The blonde looked at the flock and guessed, "157."
The farmer was amazed - she was right! So the blonde, (who looked like a brunette), picked one out and got back into her car.
Before she left, farmer walked up to her and said.
"If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"
Finally the first blonde says "Darn, I can't get in the car!" The other blond replies, "keep trying, it looks like it is going to rain and the top is down".
Q: What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common?
A: You keep hearing about them, but never see any.
Once upon a time there was a blonde with long hair, blue eyes, she was sick of all the blonde jokes.
One day, she decided to get a make over, so she cut and dyed her hair.
She also went out and bought a new convertible.
She went driving down a country road and came across a herd of sheep.
She stopped and called the sheepherder over.
"That's a nice flock of sheep.", she said.
"Well thank you.", said the herder. "Tell you what. I have a proposition for you.", said the woman.
"Okay.", replied the herder.
"If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?", asked the woman. "Sure.", said the sheepherder.
So, the girl sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then replied, "382".
"Wow.", said the herder. "That is exactly right.
Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home."
So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car.
Upon watching this, the herder approached the woman and offered, "Okay, now I have a proposition for you".
"What is it?", queried the woman.
"If I can guess the real color of your hair... can I have my dog back?"
Q: A one armed blonde is hanging from a tree. How can you make her fall?
A: You wave at her!
Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A: You can park in the handicap zone.
Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH?
A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
ANSWER THE PHONE!
Tape down the phone button on the mark's phone. When they pick up the receiver it will keep ringing. Call in the middle of the night and pound on the door yelling "Answer the phone!" Use this along with hidden alarm clocks and coordinate the time, such as 2:30 am and pound on the front door, back door and have the phone ringing as well as the hidden alarm clocks.
This is a good prank to pull on a side street near a bar. Create a "barricade" of toilet paper stretched across the road. The drunk will come rolling up and step on the brakes to avoid breaking through the line. As an added touch, get a bright flashlight and shine it in the victim's eyes and ask for their license and registration.
CHINESE FIRE DRILL
I don't know where the name came from, but this is a harmless prank that's a lot of fun with a car load of people. While stopped for a red light, everybody gets out of the car and runs around the car a couple of times before getting back in the car and driving off. Repeat as needed to achieve the desired results.
Crickets released in an office can generate of lot of excitement. Crickets can be obtained from pet stores or some bait shops. Cut them lose before you go on vacation or when you have given your final notice.
DOING THE SPLITS
Here's a simple prank that is always good for some cheap laughs. Place an object on the floor where you know someone will bend over to pick it up. This object could be a book, an important looking envelope, a purse, etc. Position yourself nearby with some scraps of cloth that tear easily with a noisy rip. You can also use a strip of velcro to create the tearing sound. The prank is simple. Just wait until the mark bends over to pick up the object. As with many pranks, the timing is critical. At the precise moment that the mark bends over, rip the cloth. You'll be surprised at how many people reach around immediately checking for rips.
This trick has been around for years and is commonly known as "pennying the door". This trick is used on a door that opens inward when the victim is inside, such as being asleep during the night. You need some pennies or washers or similar objects that will work as shims. On the side of the door where the handle is, push in at the top of the door and jam in as many pennies as you can between the door and the jamb. Do the same at the bottom of the door. When done properly, the shims will have the result of putting so much tension on the door that the victim will not be able to open it and will be trapped inside.
Here's another trick to pull on a door that opens inward when the victim is inside, such as during the night. Tape newspaper over the door frame, leaving an opening at the top. Now fill the space with styrofoam peanuts, little balls of paper, popcorn, etc. and then finish closing off the opening. When the mark opens the door, a partial vacuum is created and the stuff will fly all over the room.
Fill some disposable cups about halfway with confetti (or paper, or whatever.) Turn off the ceiling fan. Gently lay the cups (on their sides) on top of each of the fan blades. Tape or rubber-band them in place. Wait for someone to turn on the fan!
This is an old trick, but it always works. Glue a quarter to the ground at the mall or on a busy sidewalk. Epoxy works the best, but takes some time to set up. Cover the coin with a traffic cone, plant, or other object while the glue cures. Once it's ready position yourself to enjoy the spectacle of suckers trying to pick up the money. You will notice different styles, i.e. the cool and casual pick-up, the frantic and deliberate attempt, the half-hearted try, etc.
FOOTING THE BILL
This trick was one of Bruce's regulars that he loved to torture people with when he went out to a nice restaurant. He would tape a one hundred dollar bill securely to the bottom of his shoe. Then he would walk all around the restaurant, into the rest room, all over until he finally picked up a mark. Then the conversation would inevitably go like this:
FOR THE BIRDS
If you live in an area with a lot of birds you can cause many feathered friends to visit the victim's house or car. Simply spread generous amounts of wild bird seed, bread, or popcorn over the desired target area. One prankster reportedly used a sling shot to deliver large numbers of bread balls over a security fence of someone who had "done him wrong". You could really flock someone over with this trick.
FOR WHOM THE BELL TOLLS
This is a cure for noisy neighbors in an apartment building, you know, the rude jerks that are always blasting their radio or tv late at night so you can hear it right through the wall. Position your telephone next to the common wall -- you may have to use an extension. Now create a simple amplifier with a box, a bucket, or a large pot. Enclose the phone in the box or pot and push it flush to the wall. You might have to use a chair or table to rig this up. Now test it out. Be sure to turn the volume of the ringer up to the max and have a friend call you when the neighbors are making a lot of noise. Let it ring for a while to enjoy the effect. For a special treat rig it up when you are going out for a while. Find a pay phone that doesn't get much use. Dial your number to start it ringing, then just walk away and leave the phone off the hook.
GET THE MESSAGE?
Put the name, address, and phone number of the mark on a hundred pieces of paper. Include information about a $25 reward for their return for a scientific study about wind currents. Attach these to helium balloons and turn them loose on a windy day. Or, instead of balloons, put the reward offers about ocean currents inside bottles and throw into the ocean. This could end up torturing the victim for months, even years.
GIVE ME A BREAK LIGHT
On a buddy's car, run a jumper wire from their door dome light switch (the little plunger at the hinges) to the brake light switch under the dash around the brake pedal. Every time they hit the brakes, the dome light will go on - great at night!
HONK IF YOU LIKE PEACE AND QUIET
Here's a practical joke for cars that you can pull If you have access to the victim's vehicle. This might be good for a "Just Married" sendoff. This particular trick requires some basic knowledge of car wiring. The first step is to obtain a car horn. You can get one at a junkyard for a couple of bucks. (Or you can buy a trick horn for that matter, with special sound effects). Next position the horn in the trunk of the car. Locate the brake light circuit and wire it to the horn. Every time the victim steps on the brake pedal the horn will honk in the trunk.
IT'S A WRAP
For my practical joke, you need a roommate and a room (preferably the kitchen) with only one door. One night while they're sleeping, tape plastic wrap all over the doorway, with you on the inside of the room. Turn off the power so they can't turn on the lights. Make a racket (like pots and pans falling all over the place) and yell for help ("I've fallen and I can't get up"). When your roommate comes running to help you, they bounce off the plastic wrap they can't see. Have a camera ready to get a picture of their reaction!
Here's a little trick that can be beneficial to society by helping to keep drunks off the roads. The victim in this case is a drunk who shouldn't be driving anyway. Locate the drunk's car at his local watering hole. Come supplied with a good jack and several blocks of wood. Jack up the back end of the car (or front end for front wheel drives) and place wood blocks under the car to keep the tires an inch or so off the ground. The drunk will come staggering to his vehicle, start it up, but then his wheels will spin but he won't go anywhere. Maybe he'll get the message.
After seeing the movie "Priscilla, Queen of the Desert" and the famous ping-pong ball scene, I filled my sister's kitchen cabinet with ping pong balls on my departure from a visit to her home. Wow! She opened it up and as they rained down on her, she laughed her butt off!
My wife wastes a lot of money on the lottery. One Sunday I got her good. I got up early, got the winning numbers from the paper and put the paper back in the bag. Then I went to the store and wasted a buck on those winning numbers for the next week's draw. I mixed this "ringer" ticket in with the 20 she already had. When she got up and checked her numbers she went crazy. After a while I finally told her to check the date. I think it was about a week before she finally started speaking to me again.
Certain car mechanics have been know to inflict this torture upon customers who are extremely annoying. While under the car apply a zip strip (plastic cable tie) around the drive shaft. This is harmless but will produce a constant ticking sound from underneath the car. A variation is to cut the end of the zip strip just short of hitting the floor so that the ticking only takes place while driving over bumps.
A friend of mine pulled off this trick which he said he learned in Penn and Teller's book, "How To Play With Your Food". At a Chinese restaurant with a group of people he opened his fortune cookie and threw the message down in disgust, saying "I knew I shouldn't have eaten here". When another guest picked up the fortune it read: "The Chef spit in your food". My friend had eaten at this restaurant before and copied the format of the fortune cookie message and duplicated it on his computer with custom messages.
Here's a harmless little prank that's always good for a laugh. Leave someone an urgent message to return a phone call from a Mr. Lord. Put the phone number from Dial-A-Prayer on this message. Most city phone directories have Dial-A-Prayer numbers listed. This also works for Mr. T. O'Day (time of day) or Mr. Weathers (weather number). Also call the local zoo and ask for Mr. Lyon. Leave these messages on answering machines too.
THE NOISE WAR
There was a row of shops in a big long metal building and these two guys got into a noise war. One kept blaring his music, even though his neighbor asked him a number of times to keep it down. So the other guy finally takes action. He gets one of those super loud phone buzzers that you hear out on car lots. So he puts this inside a 55 gallon drum and fastens the opening against the common wall. Now, whenever his phone rings, there's a horrendous noise coming out of the neighbor's wall, way more powerful than the music. On top of that, this guy will drive down the street, sit in his van with binoculars to observe and then call his phone number on a cell phone. He will also go to a pay phone, dial his number and just walk away and leave the phone off the hook.
This is a trick you can pull with the sprayers that are on sinks on pull-out hoses. Put a rubber band or piece of tape around the lever so that it's locked the "on" position. Aim it towards where you're standing, to where you want it to hit the victim. The next person to turn the water on will get sprayed.
Torture the sports fan by replacing pages in the newspaper with pages from last week. Do the same for fans of the comics or Dear Abby.
PAYS TO ADVERTISE
Send in a money order to place an ad with the victim's phone number. Generate some excitement by advertising cheap guns. Or how about a Corvette for $500? Or free rent in a house at the beach in exchange for some painting. How about a nice boat for $200? Or hold a garage sale with amazing bargains. Be sure to encourage early birds and early callers.
REACH OUT AND TORTURE SOMEONE
At a party have several people take turns calling the mark on the telephone asking for "Bubba". Do this all night long. Finally, call one more time and say: "This is Bubba -- are there any messages for me?"
Find a fresh road kill and tie it to a rope or leash. Now attach this to the drunk's back bumper and push it under the car so he won't notice it until he's driving along.
SAVING FOR A RAINY DAY
Here's a good rainy day joke. Put rice or confetti in someone's umbrella when they aren't looking. As soon as they step outside and open it up they are in for a surprise. Works great if they don't use the umbrella for a while too because they can't figure out how the stuff got in there if it was in their car or home for a week or so.
SHAVING CREAM PRANK
This is an old trick, but is always good for a cheap laugh. While the victim is sleeping, put shaving cream all over his hands and then tickle his face with a feather. He'll end up with a face full of shaving cream and it will all be his doing.
This is an oldie but is still always good for a laugh. Un-tuck the bed sheet at the foot of the bed. Pull it up about a third of the way towards the head of the bed and tuck it back in. When the mark slides into bed he won't be able to stretch his legs out, sort of like he jumped into a baby's bed.
Here's an obnoxious little prank known as "the sneeze". It's always good for a cheap laugh and it's harmless. Cup some water in your hand. Now sneak up behind your victim and sneeze loudly. At the same instant splash water on the victim's neck. They will be disgusted to think that you slobbered all over them in such an uncouth manner.
TIME TO GET UP
Appliance timers can provide cheap thrills for the practical joker. Hook up the mark's stereo to go off full blast in the middle of the night. Try it on the TV as well or on a bright light.
TRUTH IN ADVERTISING
Here's one to use during political campaigns. The sign says Candidate X loves your city, only the "love" is a heart. Get a graphic of a wood screw from clip art sources. Expand the size and add an apostrophe S and now glue these over city-wide campaign signs.
Prepare some paper with the word VOID in large font. Shuffle these into the pile inside the copier. Or, get a joke rubber stamp that says "FILE UNDER BULLSHIT" and stamp a few random pages.
Get 40 or 50 paper cups filled with about 3/4 of the way up with water and arrange them on the victim's desk, table or floor. Arrange all the cups into a big cluster. Now staple them all together near the top of the cup. Now the victim is faced with the dilemma of how to remove all these filled cups without spilling water all over the place.
While the mark is away from his office or cubicle, cover the holes on the telephone ear piece neatly with scotch tape. When they return to their desk call them over and over. You'll be surprised at how efficiently the tape will block out sound. Another popular phone prank is to tape down the button under the receiver. Now call repeatedly and the phone will not stop ringing even when the victim picks up the receiver. Try this prank from a neighboring office or cubicle and keep yelling at the victim: "Answer your #@?!&^ phone!!!"
I may not be Fred Flintstone but I can sure make your bed rock!
Is your dad a thief or something? Because someone stole the stars and put them into your eyes!
I’ve heard sex is a killer. Want to die happy?
Excuse me, but I’m new in town, can I have directions to your place?
Can I buy you a drink - or would you just prefer the five bucks?
I’m a thief, and I’m here to steal your heart.
I wish I were a tear so i could start in your eyes, live on your face, and die on your lips.
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put U and I together.
Am I cute enough yet? Or do you need more to drink?
You must be the reason for global warming because you’re hot.
You know what would look great on you? Me.
Can I read your T shirt in brail?
Do you have a map? Because I keep getting lost in your eyes.
You know what? Your eyes are the same color as my Porsche.
I think I need to call heaven because they’ve lost one of their angels.
Is your name Gillette? Because you’re the best a man can get!
Do you believe in the hereafter? Well, then I guess you know what I’m here after.
Do you have a mirror in your pocket? Because I can see myself in your pants.
The body is made up of 90% water and I’m thirsty.
Baby you must be tired because you’ve been running through my mind all night!
Are you an overdue book? Because you’ve got FINE written all over you!
How much does a polar bear weigh? Enough to break the ice- can I get your number?
I have Skittles in my mouth, wanna taste the rainbow?
That’s a nice shirt. Can I talk you out of it?
You know, winning the lottery doesn’t mean much when you have a weak heart.
If I had a garden I’d put your tulips and my tulips together.
What has 142 teeth and holds back the incredible hulk? My zipper.
If you were a new sandwich at Mcdonalds, you’de be called McGorgeous.
All those curves! And me with no brakes!
Can I even get a fake number?
And more funny pick up lines:
Excuse me for interrupting and I’m not trying to make a pass, but you must be leaving the country if you’re packing that much ass.
You might as well sleep with me because I’m going to tell everyone we did anyway!
Your mom was pretty good, so i figured you would be too.
I would say God bless you but it looks like he already did.
It’s a good thing I have my library card, because I’m checking you out.
Oh, sorry, I’m reserved for someone else.
Damn, I’m glad I’m not blind!
If I followed you home, would you keep me?
If I told you you had a gorgeous body, would you hold it against me?
You look like my second wife! And I’ve only been married once!
Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?
Do you believe in love at first site, or should I walk past you again?
If you were Sprite, I’d obey my thirst!
Excuse me can I borrow a quarter, it is an emergency. My mom told me to giver her a call the first time I fell in love.
I lost my number, can I have yours?
Do you like bananas or blueberries? Why? I wanna know what kind of pancackes to make in the morning.
Hey baby. Roses are red, violets are blue. I’m not a poet, but damn girl, you’re hot!
Hi there. Inheriting 50 million dollars doesn’t mean much when you have a weak heart.
Yo Mamma so ugly, Yo daddy tosses the ugly stick and she fetches it every time.
Yo Mamma so ugly, my dog took one look at her and ran away.
Yo Mamma so ugly, she makes blind children cry.
Yo Mamma so ugly, her picture is on the inside of a Roach Motel.
Yo Mamma so ugly, Rice Krispies won't talk to her.
Yo Mamma so ugly, I took her to a haunted house and she came out with a job application.
Yo Mamma so ugly, I took her to the zoo, guy at the door said "Thanks for bringing her back."
Yo Mamma so ugly, even the tide won't come back in.
Yo Mamma so ugly, when she went to Taco Bell everyone ran for the border.
Yo Mamma so ugly, people go as her for Halloween.
Yo Mamma so ugly, Freddy Krueger is jealous.
Yo Mamma so ugly, when she got in the tub, the water jumped out.
Yo Mamma so ugly, they put her face on a poster for abstinence.
Yo mamma is so ugly ur dad first thought she was bigfoot.
Yo Mamma so ugly, she can make an onion cry.
Yo Mamma so ugly, when she looks in a mirror, it breaks.
Yo mamma so ugly her reflection quit.
Yo mamma so ugly she turned medusa to stone!